Dating, and all that entails.

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Bear with me as I begin the process of retooling the former purpose of this journal into the current purpose.    I probably wont edit or delete my prior entries.  But I may make reference to the incidents in them.

Im single.  I work full time, and I raise 2 teenagers, one of which is agender.  I also have an adult kid in college.  And Im a 5 year veteran of the online dating process.   I thought I had reached an end when I got engaged, but alas, no.  That didnt  go as planned.

So now, Ill be attempting to devote more time to putting my thoughts and experiences to screen, and seeing how it goes.

First up for tomorrows post.  Valentines Day, and why I am uncomfortable with it.

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The IRS sucks balls.

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Have you ever had to fight the IRS to get your rightfully owed money?  Me neither till this year.  Even though Im divorced, and have been for almost a year, they are still taking MY refund to pay off a bill my ex accrued in 2011 because of his shoddy filing number crunching sneakiness.  UGH.

And my poor little girl is already suffering the ill effects of being my daughter.  Her sister didnt start it till she was about 15.  Shes 12 and already having the soul crushing, eye melting, vomit inducing migraines that come with her period like me and her sister do.  I feel so awful for her.  Mine didnt start til my early 30s.  My oldest started it when she was about 15-16.  Now 12??  So not fair.  ANd honestly, Im wondering if a trip to discuss BCP might help her headaches and cramps.  Ill be damned if a 12 year old suffers through the shit her 38 year old mother does.

A little over a year from the last post…

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Holy fucknuggets.  The last blog entry I wrote had me down.  But it wasnt anywhere near the end as I thought it was.  It got worse.  I wrote in March that my BF at the time had broken up with me. Which of course killed me, dead to the floor.  I guess I allowed myself to suffer and panic for a while, but I picked myself up for a while.  I ended up dating a few people, sleeping around, finishing my last semester of school, having my house sold out from under me at auction, going through 2 different divorce hearings and never getting shit accomplished.  Watching my daughter graduate high school, and sending her off to college was literally the 2 highlights of last summer for me.

I began my summer the day after my daughter graduated.  My sister took my younger children to stay with her over the summer, while my brother came to my house and helped me pack up my entire almost 15 years of marriage into a 10×10 storage unit and what I could pack in my car, and my bed came with me to his house where I crashed for the summer.  I began my coveted internship, but had to give it up because it was unpaid, and the commute was a killer.  It was on the other side of DFW as opposed to 4 miles away from my ex’s house (as was my prior plan).  Luckily I fell into a paying internship 10 miles from my brothers house that allowed me to begin saving money and get my own apartment.   Of course, this whole time, no contact from the ex, whom I had filed divorce from in January.  I graduated with my Associates degree in August, and 9 days later I think, I was officially divorced.  I was free, educated, and moving on up in the world.

Ive been in my apartment for a little over 6 months, and while its small, its mine.  Every single stick of furniture, dish in the cabinet, towel in the bathroom, and piece hanging on the wall is MINE.  I have a home with my children, and Ive done it all on my own.

More importantly, Im happy.  Im even more happy because I met someone who I love deeply, and dearly, and honestly, didnt even know I needed him in my life until I found him.  Sure, since I moved here, I dated people, even had a “relationship” with one guy, but never NEEDED to date.  I was just bored, lonely, whatever.  But then I met him.  And I shit you not, from day one of meeting him, it was like I knew he was the one.  I didnt need to date anyone else, I dont need to look anymore.   I met him in February while I was recovering from a nasty case of strep throat.  But the kicker is that he lives in a town close to where I just MOVED from.   This is probably where I admit that Im an online dating veteran, and boy I could tell you some stories, but thats neither here nor there.   What the ultimate point of this entry is, is that I made it.  I survived.  I was down UNDER the rocks that make rock bottom.  That barrel they always talk about people scraping?  I didnt even have one to scrape.  My rope was so ended and frayed it wasnt anything more than a whisper of fiber on the breeze.  I was down, out, and fucked 18 ways to Sunday.

But now Im back.  Im kicking ass, Im taking charge, and letting the world KNOW that Im back and fucking fabulous.

Cracks..

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Im cracking.  Today I was THIS close to smashing out the entire rack of jarred french onion dip at the store.  I could SEE myself doing it…and I even had a jar in my hand.  Im not sure why I stopped, but Im not liking this stress and pressure.  

Yesterday my boyfriend broke up with me.  Although Im not sure if its a real break up or what.  He had an episode this weekend, and hes basically hospitalized while treatment is sought.  Im hurt, confused, lost, worried, and sad.   He asked me to not contact him and we talked for a while, and talking to him was painful.  Painful in the fact that neither of us wanted this, but his drs are trying to fix him so they want him to back off and away from anyone who isnt family.  Why I was in the cut off zone, I dont know.  Ive been with him almost a year, we had plans to move in together, and were happy.  

I dont know.  It hurts, and its confusing, and along with everything else my ex husband is pulling and stuff, I feel like Im cracking.  And nothing can stop it.  

New doors are opening!

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I got the coveted internship Ive been working so hard to get.  I start this summer.    Im seriously hoping my boyfriend steps it up and doesnt forget about me moving in with him while I do this.  Its quite possibly the most important thing I have EVER done in my life and Im super excited.  I cannot WAIT to get started on this road!  New career, new town, new people and a fresh start as ME.

Rebirth..

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Rebirth is a funny thing.  You can say it all you want, but until you are ready to actually do it, it just sounds like some fancy woo that someone in yoga pants at Starbucks mentioned in passing.  

For me, its real.  Sure, Im still the same me, but Im so different.  I’m battle scarred and war weary.  Bone tired, and bushy tailed.  Im 37 years old, and still fighting the fight of my life right now, and not sure how its going to go.  Im about 2 weeks away from being homeless with my 3 kids all because of a shitty ex husband who thinks hes done nothing wrong.  Im also about 8 weeks away from the last college final I will ever have to take before I get my AAS.    Yes, Im 37 years old, and finally getting a degree. 

Someone once told me that I am probably suffering from an emotional form of PTSD.  I thought they were full of shit at first, then I thought about it one night, after yet another month had gone by and my ex hadnt done shit, and I was realizing that yes, I probably do suffer.  

The abuse was never physical, not more than once, at least.  It was emotional abuse.  He is an alcoholic, and for over 10 years I made excuses.  I finally stopped because the excuses were becoming more and more routine and normal than actual normality.  Most people brought home take out or flowers on Friday nights…he brought home booze.  And usually there was another trip on Saturday for more.  There were car wrecks, DUIs, DWIs, screaming, yellings, financial blowups, drunken sexual fumblings that made me cry afterwards, disappointment in my kids eyes when they saw him do it yet again…and I finally had enough.  

Most divorced parents have one thing on the top of their list…their children.  He does not have them on the top of his list.  He hasnt spoken to them, nor supported them in over 15 months.  Since Christmas of 2012.  And when I decided I was done playing the nice person, I filed with the court.  And all of a sudden, he contacts me to attempt to me ME feel bad for doing this TO HIM..when in actuality, he should be the one who feels like pure shit for doing this to his children.  

I could have stayed in the relationship, and continued to act like nothing was wrong, for the sake of the kids.  But for the sake of ME..I couldnt do it.  Life may suck temporarily while I get adjusted, but I would rather have there be short term suckage, than long term suckage that kills me.  Because it almost did.  I lost myself.   I lost who I was, who I wanted to be, and who I could become.  But Im finding it now.  Im remembering who I was before…what I wanted to be, and who I CAN become.  And its the scariest, loneliest journey I have ever been on.  But Im doing it.  Im doing it for me and for my kids.  Because they need to know that I am not broken..just bent ,to quote my favorite singer.  

I make no promises that I dont intend to keep, because I lived with broken ones for far too long.