Rebirth..

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Rebirth is a funny thing.  You can say it all you want, but until you are ready to actually do it, it just sounds like some fancy woo that someone in yoga pants at Starbucks mentioned in passing.  

For me, its real.  Sure, Im still the same me, but Im so different.  I’m battle scarred and war weary.  Bone tired, and bushy tailed.  Im 37 years old, and still fighting the fight of my life right now, and not sure how its going to go.  Im about 2 weeks away from being homeless with my 3 kids all because of a shitty ex husband who thinks hes done nothing wrong.  Im also about 8 weeks away from the last college final I will ever have to take before I get my AAS.    Yes, Im 37 years old, and finally getting a degree. 

Someone once told me that I am probably suffering from an emotional form of PTSD.  I thought they were full of shit at first, then I thought about it one night, after yet another month had gone by and my ex hadnt done shit, and I was realizing that yes, I probably do suffer.  

The abuse was never physical, not more than once, at least.  It was emotional abuse.  He is an alcoholic, and for over 10 years I made excuses.  I finally stopped because the excuses were becoming more and more routine and normal than actual normality.  Most people brought home take out or flowers on Friday nights…he brought home booze.  And usually there was another trip on Saturday for more.  There were car wrecks, DUIs, DWIs, screaming, yellings, financial blowups, drunken sexual fumblings that made me cry afterwards, disappointment in my kids eyes when they saw him do it yet again…and I finally had enough.  

Most divorced parents have one thing on the top of their list…their children.  He does not have them on the top of his list.  He hasnt spoken to them, nor supported them in over 15 months.  Since Christmas of 2012.  And when I decided I was done playing the nice person, I filed with the court.  And all of a sudden, he contacts me to attempt to me ME feel bad for doing this TO HIM..when in actuality, he should be the one who feels like pure shit for doing this to his children.  

I could have stayed in the relationship, and continued to act like nothing was wrong, for the sake of the kids.  But for the sake of ME..I couldnt do it.  Life may suck temporarily while I get adjusted, but I would rather have there be short term suckage, than long term suckage that kills me.  Because it almost did.  I lost myself.   I lost who I was, who I wanted to be, and who I could become.  But Im finding it now.  Im remembering who I was before…what I wanted to be, and who I CAN become.  And its the scariest, loneliest journey I have ever been on.  But Im doing it.  Im doing it for me and for my kids.  Because they need to know that I am not broken..just bent ,to quote my favorite singer.  

I make no promises that I dont intend to keep, because I lived with broken ones for far too long.  

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About Jayne McClane

Outspoken, yet hidden romantic with a tendency to jump when others tiptoe. I spend my days doing things that most people run screaming from, and I love it. My veins pump glitter, good beer, and Irish blood all in a tiny package. Loving mom, rescued by a loving pitty last year, and addicted to trashy TV.

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