Monthly Archives: March 2014

Cracks..

Standard

Im cracking.  Today I was THIS close to smashing out the entire rack of jarred french onion dip at the store.  I could SEE myself doing it…and I even had a jar in my hand.  Im not sure why I stopped, but Im not liking this stress and pressure.  

Yesterday my boyfriend broke up with me.  Although Im not sure if its a real break up or what.  He had an episode this weekend, and hes basically hospitalized while treatment is sought.  Im hurt, confused, lost, worried, and sad.   He asked me to not contact him and we talked for a while, and talking to him was painful.  Painful in the fact that neither of us wanted this, but his drs are trying to fix him so they want him to back off and away from anyone who isnt family.  Why I was in the cut off zone, I dont know.  Ive been with him almost a year, we had plans to move in together, and were happy.  

I dont know.  It hurts, and its confusing, and along with everything else my ex husband is pulling and stuff, I feel like Im cracking.  And nothing can stop it.  

New doors are opening!

Standard

I got the coveted internship Ive been working so hard to get.  I start this summer.    Im seriously hoping my boyfriend steps it up and doesnt forget about me moving in with him while I do this.  Its quite possibly the most important thing I have EVER done in my life and Im super excited.  I cannot WAIT to get started on this road!  New career, new town, new people and a fresh start as ME.

Rebirth..

Standard

Rebirth is a funny thing.  You can say it all you want, but until you are ready to actually do it, it just sounds like some fancy woo that someone in yoga pants at Starbucks mentioned in passing.  

For me, its real.  Sure, Im still the same me, but Im so different.  I’m battle scarred and war weary.  Bone tired, and bushy tailed.  Im 37 years old, and still fighting the fight of my life right now, and not sure how its going to go.  Im about 2 weeks away from being homeless with my 3 kids all because of a shitty ex husband who thinks hes done nothing wrong.  Im also about 8 weeks away from the last college final I will ever have to take before I get my AAS.    Yes, Im 37 years old, and finally getting a degree. 

Someone once told me that I am probably suffering from an emotional form of PTSD.  I thought they were full of shit at first, then I thought about it one night, after yet another month had gone by and my ex hadnt done shit, and I was realizing that yes, I probably do suffer.  

The abuse was never physical, not more than once, at least.  It was emotional abuse.  He is an alcoholic, and for over 10 years I made excuses.  I finally stopped because the excuses were becoming more and more routine and normal than actual normality.  Most people brought home take out or flowers on Friday nights…he brought home booze.  And usually there was another trip on Saturday for more.  There were car wrecks, DUIs, DWIs, screaming, yellings, financial blowups, drunken sexual fumblings that made me cry afterwards, disappointment in my kids eyes when they saw him do it yet again…and I finally had enough.  

Most divorced parents have one thing on the top of their list…their children.  He does not have them on the top of his list.  He hasnt spoken to them, nor supported them in over 15 months.  Since Christmas of 2012.  And when I decided I was done playing the nice person, I filed with the court.  And all of a sudden, he contacts me to attempt to me ME feel bad for doing this TO HIM..when in actuality, he should be the one who feels like pure shit for doing this to his children.  

I could have stayed in the relationship, and continued to act like nothing was wrong, for the sake of the kids.  But for the sake of ME..I couldnt do it.  Life may suck temporarily while I get adjusted, but I would rather have there be short term suckage, than long term suckage that kills me.  Because it almost did.  I lost myself.   I lost who I was, who I wanted to be, and who I could become.  But Im finding it now.  Im remembering who I was before…what I wanted to be, and who I CAN become.  And its the scariest, loneliest journey I have ever been on.  But Im doing it.  Im doing it for me and for my kids.  Because they need to know that I am not broken..just bent ,to quote my favorite singer.  

I make no promises that I dont intend to keep, because I lived with broken ones for far too long.