You can’t google that…

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Or maybe you can.  How the fuck do I know? 

I’ve been seeing this amazing guy for about 5 months. But it’s an unconventional sort of relationship because it’s a LDR.  But we decided to move in together and we are making serious future plans.  

But neither of us have said THE WORD.  I wanted to but I chickened out so bad.  It feels GOOD to be in love.   How the fuck do you go about spilling it the first time?  I even fucking googled it.  “How do you tell someone you love them?” 

Surprisingly, google was no damn help.    I got such helpful advice like “Over a romantic dinner!” 

Because that helps a lot when he’s across the country. 

How about “call them and talk to them all night!”

Negative, ghost rider.  My ass needs to sleep to get up to go to work, and I ain’t 18 anymore. 

“Take them on a long drive”. NOPE.  My guy spends the majority of his days driving.  I sure as fuck don’t wanna tell him I love him on a drive. 

“Song dedications”

Do people still do this shit?? I can’t even consider this one with a straight face.  

I guess in the end all the thinking makes me over analyze it and I should just do it.  But then of course I worry that he doesn’t feel the same.  And then I go back to wondering if I should say it.  

Fucking love, man.  It’s ridiculous.  But it’s also pretty good.  

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To be fair,

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I do meet a few pretty good guys in the online dating thing.  So its not all horrible.

Example. Im dating someone I call Yankee.  Hes adorable, and after barely meeting me, he took it upon himself to make the entire week of my birthday special.  He knew I was going out of town to a drag show and meeting Sharon Needles, so I would be working the whole week up until I left.

He arranged to have a birthday gift delivered to me EVERY DAY OF THAT WEEK.  Of course, with amazon and the USPS being what it is, one was late, but that doesnt matter.

And then Im seeing another guy Ive named Jager.  Thats for his fondness of the Jagerbomb. We havent made it much past the meeting at a bar for drinks stage, but hes always been super sweet and makes me laugh, and a pretty good kisser from what Ive gathered thus far.

I still pop into my accounts from time to time to filter the weeds out and look for gems worthy of mocking.   That I have no shortage of from past experiences.    But right now Im gonna have some pizza and beer, and sleep.

WHY???

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Just some more bullshit… 


First of all.  The multiple monosyllabic messages are unacceptable.  Does that make me a bitch?  Possibly.  Do I care?  No.  If you can’t even have intelligent text conversations on an app meant to make women WANT to meet men, then I have dismal hopes it would be any better in public. 

SECOND.   DID YOU JUST MANSPLAIN PET NAMES TO ME???

How did it feel?

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So kids,sit right back and Ill tell you a tale.  A tale of how it took me 3 years to get it, but I got revenge.

And the funny thing, is that I never even planned on any type of revenge.

Grab a beer, and hold on to your butts.  Cause this may be the cruelest thing Ive done in my dating life.  And I honestly dont care.

Way back when I moved here in the summer of 2014, I knew no one, and had no clue about the dating scene. I got onto OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish, and poked around.  Hey, whats that,  this guy liked me? OH HEY, he sent me a message!  Now, I should have known with the low percentage match and the odd pictures I probably wouldnt get along with him.  But hey.  I was willing to try.  We met at a local wing/beer place, had a few drinks, and he was nicer than I expected.  Went back to his place, made out some, and then he made THE MOVE.   You know the one, the one where its obvious he wants to get laid, but youre like sorry dude, not happening, then you have to make excuses and shit because fuck that, I aint sleeping with you the first date.

I went home after apologizing, and him saying it was OK.  So I figured it was cool.

NOT EVEN REMOTELY COOL.    He ghosted.  I texted him to say I had fun, and we should go out again.  HE GHOSTED.   I aint even gonna lie, I was pissed.  And hurt.  And upset.  So I didnt go out again for a while.  I read profiles, I messaged people, and I saw him on the site.  I ended up dating another guy for a few months, and other things happened, and before I knew it, here we are in March of 2017. THREE YEARS LATER.

Im seeing a guy (Joey the Cheating Bastard from the last post). Havent slept with him yet but Im pretty sure that I want to.  BUT we arent exclusive so my ass is merrily poking along and swiping left and right on profiles. When BAM.  This familiar face pops up.


I nearly fell off my chair when I saw that.  So I decided to play along.  Sure as shit, the dude remembered my name, our date, and that he never called me back.  I agreed to give Do-Over a chance, but I wasnt gonna go busting my ass for it.  We chatted on and off for a few days before I finally decided to meet him for a drink again.  And he practically dropped his jaw when I came over.  (3 years will change some stuff on a person.)  He couldnt stop staring and trying to touch me.  Of course 3 years makes a person change more than just physically too.  I demanded to know why he ditched me, and I got some bullshit stories about it being too soon, and this and that, and whatever.   I ended up going home that night with a few more questions than answers but I had a rotation of guys I was seeing at this time, so I wasnt too worried.  The next few days were some days of chatting, and he ended up buying me this tshirt with skulls and roses on it, and gave it to me.  Said he saw it and thought of me, couldnt wait to see me again.  I wasnt gonna turn it down, so I accepted it happily. Its a cute shirt!    The next night he asked me out to dinner, and I said sure.  We ended up going to his place, and having sex, and honestly, the sex wasnt even that good.  But then I did the unspeakable.  The horrible thing. The terrible thing.

I ghosted on his ass.    I waited 3 years after he ghosted on me to bang him like a screen door in a hurricane, and leave him half naked in his bed and never spoke to him again.

And I dont feel the least bit guilty.

The very next night I had lots of awesome sex with the soon to be Cheating Bastard.

And now I have neither Do-Over nor the Cheating Bastard, but I do have my  self respect.

Remember when I wanted a Hollywood writer to help me?  

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I sure as shit didn’t mean it this way.

Imagine the shock to my system when I pull up at the house of the person I THOUGHT I was dating, only to have another car pull up behind me and a woman come out asking who I was. I shit you not, the conversation went like this

“Who are you?”
“I’m Traci, who are you?”

“I’m Rachel, do you live here?”

“No, the guy I’m dating does.”

“Funny, the guy I’m dating does too.”

*silence*

“Well, we should go say hello!”

Literally the worst night of my life EVER.

I came over after the movie because he asked me to. Apparently she had a “idea” something was up and decided to come over too. He had no idea she was coming. He knew I was coming.

We walked into his house, and she’s got heels on. She’s clicking on the floor behind me, and I see him and just toss my keys on the counter and he’s like “are you wearing heels?”

I said “no, but she is.”  And she came around the corner and his face went WHITE.

I demanded an explanation, and she did too. He was silent for a minute and I turned around and said “fuck this I don’t need one” and walked out. I sat in my car a few minutes then decided NO. I deserved something. So I went back inside and went to the back porch and lit INTO his ass while she sat there.

I told her to feel free to jump in, and she was like Nah girl you got this.

So I continued. And I sat there while he had a smoke and I was like. I met your kid. Did she? So your kid knew about BOTH of us.

I asked her “how long have y’all been dating?” Clearly not giving a shit if I made him uncomfortable.  She and I began chatting because up till now she’s quiet.

Turns out he met both of us the same week. Started sleeping with her first, me in March. We began comparing dates and turns out he had full weekends even though we both thought he was working or out with family.

But all the chatting still made me mad. It was like she was itching for ME to leave first. So by this time he has gone to the bathroom, I guess hoping we would both leave.

I’m looking for my baseball jersey, and I’ll give it to this chick, she had balls and just walked into his walk in closet while he was in the bathroom and found it for me.

I told her, didn’t you ever notice the shampoo I left? She’s like, nah, I never showered here, but I did find your hair in bed! I said, oh I saw you texting him but I thought you were (his daughters) mom! (They have the same name)

So we both go sit back outside cause we are bent on making it awkward cause by this point IDGAF.

My birthday next month? Hers is a WEEK AFTER.

I said OH. He was talking about planning a weekend away for me as a surprise!

She says OH. Really. Me too!!

I say “there was one weekend he booked us a hotel and we spent the night in downtown Deep Ellum and it was so romantic”

And she’s like He booked y’all a room? Did he stay at your place ever?  I say, hmmm… just once. She’s like, he stayed at mine all the time. She says “did he FB friend you cause he never did me”.  I’m like, he friended me after the first date!  She wanted to friend me on Facebook after this and I’m like thanks but no thanks that’s too much

SO THEN. I manage to get him  in his bedroom face to face.  To which he says he’s sorry, and I’m like FUCK THAT DUDE YOURE BEYOND SORRY.

I was so ragey I couldn’t even CRY.

And I flat out told him, if you had just been fucking honest with me from the get go, this wouldn’t be so painful and hurtful and I wouldn’t want to beat the fuck out of you.

I told him “the only reason I haven’t fucking punched you in the face RIGHT NOW is because you have to work in the morning.”

So then I pack up the shit I’ve left at his house (FUCK ME I LEFT MY FANCY DARTBOARD IN HIS GARAGE)

And I chuck it in my car, and come back inside to this chick STILL HERE.

I tell him, “I’m gonna just go. Drive safe tomorrow and get your shit straight.”

I get in my car, and peel out. I try to drive but I end up stopping cause the floodgates opened like WHOA.

Moral of the story kids, never make a wish on shooting stars, and never ask for a Hollywood story.
Next time I’ll tell you the story of how I exacted a revenge 3 years in the making.

Unparalleled Terror

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As I lay in here in bed, contemplating about what I want to write, Im listening to the rain, and thinking of someone.   And how absolutely terrified I am that Im thinking of him.   We’ve been dating for a few weeks, consisting of a few amazing dates and an amazingly fun Saturday night spent away from home just with each other.   Neither of us have broached the subject of exclusive, but I know hes not seeing anyone else, and even though I started out seeing someone at the same time, its kinda fizzled because in part, Im a horrible person who didnt make plans to see him again after sleeping with him.

Its so hard to put into words what I want to say, and I just need some damn hollywood screen writer to make some words for me.  Hes cute, hes fun, hes amazing in ALL aspects, and I even like his dogs.   I want more with him, but Im nervous about what more entails because the time I got more, I ended up with a gorgeous engagement ring that cracked after 3 weeks, and a broken engagement not long after because the trappings came off and the real person came out.

Speed is NOT my friend, but I dont want to lose this one.  Motherfucker, Im 40 years old, and still having teenage anxiety about boys.

FML.

Do overs and pushiness

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Do overs- You know when you meet someone a long long time ago, and you think you hit it off pretty good, and then never hear from them again only to have them pop back up in the merry go round of “matches” that OKC gives you?   Yeah, that happened.   Not sure yet if its good or bad.

Pushiness- Match with another random person who chats you up and all of a sudden it gets sexually charged, and before you know it hes asking you to send selfies of you in bed.  What the fuck man?

Or am I the pushy one when I message someone who clearly has a habit of visiting my profile but never saying anything so I message them and its like pulling teeth to get responses.

UGH.   Dating sucks.

In other words, Green Day does NOT.  I went to see them live last weekend, and holy fuckballs, was it amazing.  Fireworks, fire, commentary, participation, a great blend of songs from old and new, and an amazing 2.5 hours of loud raucous punk music.

 

Writing is therapeutic.

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Random disclaimers. Im an online dater.  Im a full time medical professional.  Im a full FULL time mom of teenagers. One of whom is LGBTQ.    You may read about one, 2 or all of the above statements at any given time.  But for now Im focusing on the dating.

So, explain to me this.   Is online dating always this difficult?

AND WHATS WITH ALL THE GODDAMMED DIRTY BATHROOM MIRROR SELFIES WITH THE FLASH ON??  For fucks sake, learn to take a proper selfie OUT OF THE BATHROOM.  Id rather see a drivers seat selfie in your oakleys and baseball cap than your smudgy mirror with the open toilet in the background.

Does it make me a player if I have more than one dating profile, and rotate through them periodically?   Although, Zoosk…you suck.  I thought you were better than you were 5 years ago, alas, I was wrong.

POF, OKC, Tinder, Bumble, and ummm…oh, I dabbled with Clover,but it was stupid.

Ive been told many times Im aggressive, or bitchy, or intimidating.  How in the hell is that even possible?  Im intimidating because I know that I want a date with a guy who has a job, a car, and is at least taller than me and doesnt smoke like a freaking freight train?  And Im even flexible on some of those points if there is a good reason behind it.    But I refuse to answer just a “Hi” or a “Mmm, sexy.”   Theres just no reason to be so dumb.

OK.  Cut scene for now.